Anxiety and Moving Abroad

I postponed this post a couple of days.  How do I write something so personal, something that I haven't even talked about with many of my friends?  Well after tonight (ugh dealing with airlines and extra-extra baggage fees) I realized that there are many people who may be dealing with the same issue and wanting to know they aren't alone.

I previously mentioned in my post What I'm Looking Forward To that sometimes I can push myself too hard when trying to practice my Spanish with my friends.  The truth of the matter is that it's much more than pushing myself 'too hard' and feeling upset.  Or getting anxious about things that seem relatively minor to most people.  To make a long story short: I have anxiety.  And not just "I'm-worried-about-moving-to-Spain anxiety," I mean the actual disorder, something I have lived with for years.

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Even as a child I dealt with anxiety: incessant worrying, insomnia, fainting spells, and hyperventilation.  As I grew up we just thought it was stress, mood swings, social pressure, etc.  I was so embarrassed: What if my friends found out?  What if I had an attack at school?  What would people think of me?  I struggled to hide it, doing my best to keep it together in public settings (far easier said than done), and it seemed to work...until I went to college.

I had far less privacy away at college and had less room to hide my anxiety.  It was then that my symptoms were finally diagnosed.  It was also in this time that I was lucky enough to meet people dealing with the same issues.  These amazing people helped me realize that having an anxiety disorder didn't mean something was wrong with me, and it didn't mean that it would control my life forever.  I could learn how to control my anxiety and I could live happily.  Through a healthy diet, regular exercise, a great support system, and training to think more positively I have over the past few years been able to help keep my symptoms at bay and turn my panic attacks into rare occurrences.

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So how does this affect my move to Spain?  Well funny you should ask, but one of my biggest anxiety triggers is change.  Even the smallest changes can set if off sometimes, e.g. driving to a place that's new to me.  Clearly the normal thing then to help my anxiety is to move 3,000+ miles to a country I've never lived in for more than a few months, and am not fluent in the native language?  <--Yeah right, who's this crazy chick.

Yes, I do have a great group of friends and my boyfriend in Spain, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this choice.  I'm terrified.  This is the biggest change I've ever made in my entire life and I am putting myself right into a situation that is potentially the going to trigger my anxiety.  What if it does get out of control?  What if I can't handle it?

But that fear is exactly why I want, no have to, make this move.  I want to push myself.  I do love Spain very much, but mainly I want this move to prove to myself that I can do this.  To prove to myself that I control my anxiety, my life, and my happiness.  And with this move to Spain in less than a week I know that this is the right choice, even if I know I will face many moments where I will be anxious, confused, and scared.  But anxiety aside, I'm sure many others making a similar change or move are feeling or worried about feeling these same emotions.  And that's okay.

There's nothing wrong with being anxious, confused, or scared.  We are young and allowed to make big changes and be unsure of ourselves.  It's okay to take a step out into the world and not be sure if it's the right choice.  This is the time of your life to make big changes and question who you are and what you're doing.

And most importantly it's okay to be different.  I used to be ashamed of being different, embarrassed of how people would look at me, and apologetic when they witnessed me in moments of panic I struggled to control.  Now I realize that anxiety is just part of my life and that by making this move abroad, I can show others also suffering through similar anxiety that you can push yourself and succeed.  You can take a giant leap into the unknown and feel scared, and things will turn out just fine.  Don't let your fears, or anxiety, keep you from facing your living your life.

What are your feelings on the big changes in your life?  How do you feel about these next steps?