Carpe Diem

Since my last post I've been busy, as in: finishing the school year, moving apartments, visiting home, and moving back to Madrid busy.  Even though I'm finally back in Madrid and settled into our new apartment I still had trouble feeling inspired, until this week.

This past Monday the world lost one of its greatest talents, and it got me thinking about where I am in my life all thanks to one of my favorite Robin Williams' movies: Dead Poets Society.

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Don't worry, no spoilers here if you haven't seen the film (though you should), but Dead Poets Society has inspired me since the first time I watched it in my sophomore English class.  The major concept of the movie is an unconventional teacher, played by Williams, inspiring his students to think for themselves and make the most of their lives.

Being a high schooler myself when I first watched the film I could relate to the students who struggled with concepts of peer pressure, conformity, and self-doubt.  I laughed, I cried, and I vowed that I would take Williams' advice and make my life extraordinary.

Fast forward to Monday, and the start of this post and the question of what I'm doing with my life.  Yes I went to college, got a degree, made friends, fell in love, worked hard, traveled, and moved across the world but was I really "seizing the day?"  

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Ok, moving to Spain I may have taken the road less traveled but what good is it if I'm not "living deliberately," if I'm not fully enjoying and appreciating this amazing opportunity that I have.

I have become so comfortable with my life, both back in the USA and now here in Spain.  During the school year I woke up, went to work, came home, cleaned and cooked, and went to bed.  Not really an extraordinary life is it?  Even now on vacation my life has fallen into the routine of cooking and cleaning, sounds like instead of "sucking the marrow out of  life" I'm "choking on the bone."

With the sudden, tragic loss of Robin I decided it was time to make good of my sophomore year vow.  Before it was too late I would make my life extraordinary.  So what did I do?  

I bought running shoes.

Sounds pretty normal right?  But for someone who loves to exercise but has never been able to run outside because of hip pain buying a pair of good running shoes (apparently I had high arches all this time) is the start of me seizing the day, and my life.  And today, on this beautiful sunny day, I went for a jog and for the first time I finished without any pain.

Templo de Debod, beautiful place for jog.

To me, living an extraordinary life doesn't mean crazy dare devil moves or spending lots of money, it means enjoying your time and making the most out of every moment.  Whether it's time with friends, having a nice run, picking up a new language, or trying a new recipe.  Push yourself, open yourself up to new things, and take every ounce from your life that you are capable.  Always remember that the most beautiful thing about life is:

"That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

Goodbye is the Hardest

Well today is the day.  In just a few hours I'll be on my one-way flight to Madrid and beginning my year abroad.  (AHH THE NERVES!!)  I'm down to last minute errands and double checking my bags and packing lists to make sure I have everything I need, or at least what I can remember...

I honestly don't even know what to write now with so much on mind...did I remember to pack everything?  Do I have all my paperwork?  What if something goes wrong?  What if my luggage gets lost?  And most importantly how do I say goodbye to everyone I know and love here?

Unlike many people doing this teaching program who know it's only for a couple years at the most before they return to the USA, I don't have that security.  I on the other hand, am going over to Madrid knowing that if things work out for my boyfriend and I there, I may not be returning home to Rhode Island.  While this could only be a 'see you later,' it very well could be a 'good-bye.'  And that my friends, is hard for me to process.


I'm a sentimental person, I get very attached to people, places, and things.  I can't help being emotional!  But being so attached definitely makes it much harder for me to make this move, even knowing so many wonderful people abroad in Spain who are waiting for me.

This past week I didn't work but instead took the opportunity to spend what little time I had left with all the people I love.  And it's been really hard saying my last goodbyes to not only the people, but the places I have to come to love here.

I don't know I'll survive without Legolas...

Instead of trying to process all of these emotions right now, I'm trying to think of all the things I've enjoyed doing this summer that remind me of why I love where I'm from so much.  So here's a reflection back on all the great memories I had saying good-bye this summer:

Fourth of July

Aging...I mean my birthday...

Seeing one of my favorite bands live!

Traditional RI food <3

Visiting Boston with my aunt and cousin

Seeing one of my oldest friends

Saying goodbye to my childhood

Learning about where my grandmother grew up

And spending time with my friends

So thank you to all of my friends and family for all of your support and love, you've made it very difficult to say good-bye.  I wish anyone else in the same situation the best of luck on your journeys and on your own good-byes, may you have just as amazing people making good-byes difficult for you!

Anxiety and Moving Abroad

I postponed this post a couple of days.  How do I write something so personal, something that I haven't even talked about with many of my friends?  Well after tonight (ugh dealing with airlines and extra-extra baggage fees) I realized that there are many people who may be dealing with the same issue and wanting to know they aren't alone.

I previously mentioned in my post What I'm Looking Forward To that sometimes I can push myself too hard when trying to practice my Spanish with my friends.  The truth of the matter is that it's much more than pushing myself 'too hard' and feeling upset.  Or getting anxious about things that seem relatively minor to most people.  To make a long story short: I have anxiety.  And not just "I'm-worried-about-moving-to-Spain anxiety," I mean the actual disorder, something I have lived with for years.

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Even as a child I dealt with anxiety: incessant worrying, insomnia, fainting spells, and hyperventilation.  As I grew up we just thought it was stress, mood swings, social pressure, etc.  I was so embarrassed: What if my friends found out?  What if I had an attack at school?  What would people think of me?  I struggled to hide it, doing my best to keep it together in public settings (far easier said than done), and it seemed to work...until I went to college.

I had far less privacy away at college and had less room to hide my anxiety.  It was then that my symptoms were finally diagnosed.  It was also in this time that I was lucky enough to meet people dealing with the same issues.  These amazing people helped me realize that having an anxiety disorder didn't mean something was wrong with me, and it didn't mean that it would control my life forever.  I could learn how to control my anxiety and I could live happily.  Through a healthy diet, regular exercise, a great support system, and training to think more positively I have over the past few years been able to help keep my symptoms at bay and turn my panic attacks into rare occurrences.

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So how does this affect my move to Spain?  Well funny you should ask, but one of my biggest anxiety triggers is change.  Even the smallest changes can set if off sometimes, e.g. driving to a place that's new to me.  Clearly the normal thing then to help my anxiety is to move 3,000+ miles to a country I've never lived in for more than a few months, and am not fluent in the native language?  <--Yeah right, who's this crazy chick.

Yes, I do have a great group of friends and my boyfriend in Spain, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this choice.  I'm terrified.  This is the biggest change I've ever made in my entire life and I am putting myself right into a situation that is potentially the going to trigger my anxiety.  What if it does get out of control?  What if I can't handle it?

But that fear is exactly why I want, no have to, make this move.  I want to push myself.  I do love Spain very much, but mainly I want this move to prove to myself that I can do this.  To prove to myself that I control my anxiety, my life, and my happiness.  And with this move to Spain in less than a week I know that this is the right choice, even if I know I will face many moments where I will be anxious, confused, and scared.  But anxiety aside, I'm sure many others making a similar change or move are feeling or worried about feeling these same emotions.  And that's okay.

There's nothing wrong with being anxious, confused, or scared.  We are young and allowed to make big changes and be unsure of ourselves.  It's okay to take a step out into the world and not be sure if it's the right choice.  This is the time of your life to make big changes and question who you are and what you're doing.

And most importantly it's okay to be different.  I used to be ashamed of being different, embarrassed of how people would look at me, and apologetic when they witnessed me in moments of panic I struggled to control.  Now I realize that anxiety is just part of my life and that by making this move abroad, I can show others also suffering through similar anxiety that you can push yourself and succeed.  You can take a giant leap into the unknown and feel scared, and things will turn out just fine.  Don't let your fears, or anxiety, keep you from facing your living your life.

What are your feelings on the big changes in your life?  How do you feel about these next steps?

The Things I'll Miss the Most...

So as of today it's officially three weeks before I make the move 'across the pond' to Madrid.  Being so close to my departure date I'm feeling so many mixed emotions.  As excited as I am to go on this adventure and see all my friends (and my boyfriend) over in Spain, I know that there will be plenty of things I will miss about the US and my home state.

Beautiful RI beaches, even in the winter.

While I know this move is the right choice for me, it's still bittersweet as I say goodbye to everything I know.  Even when I went to an out of state school my freshman year I came home once a month and was home for all important holidays and events.  This time though I won't even be home for Christmas and may not see my loved ones until next summer (Though I'm very lucky to have such a great support system waiting for me in Spain!)

It's a giant leap into the 'adult' world and is full of scary unknowns and 'what-ifs': What if I don't like it there?  What if I don't like teaching there?  What if my boyfriend actually can't live with me? What if, what if, what if.  Instead of focusing on my worries I thought I would keep my mind on the positive.  I love Spain a lot, but I also love where I am from, and there are plenty of things I love about home that I'll miss.  I mean, it's a pretty awesome place to live if I do say so myself...

My Friends And Family

We didn't make matching t-shirts or anything...

This is a give-in usually, I think it's pretty common when you pack up and leave a place you've lived (in my case for my whole life) that you miss the people you've met along the way.  I have a great group of friends, some from high school and some from college, that have been there for me over the years and have been a really great support group.

It's taken a few years to get a solid group of real friends that I know I can depend on and will support me through anything, even if it's something like wanting to eat all day at Friendly's...or moving to Madrid.  

Best friend piggy back rides

It's definitely bittersweet saying goodbye to these who have been constants in my life, but it's even harder with most of us graduated and going our separate ways this year.  With myself and another friend to Spain, one to China, one staying in New Jersey, one maybe going to Idaho, and the others on the 'adult' job search, we're all going in different directions.

It's like we're the Sisterhood of Traveling Pants, but without the traveling pants...or all being girls...

And likewise with my friends comes missing my family while I'll be abroad this year. We may be small, but we're very close. My parents are divorced, but my mom and I are close and always do girl things together. I see my Dad every week and we've always been incredibly close too. He's my go to for logical advice on anything, especially handy now with my packing underway...

Not to mention my brother, my cousins (even though they might as well be my siblings!), my grandpa, and my aunt. All amazing!

As for my grandpa, he's probably the hardest to say goodbye to.  He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's earlier this year and it's hard knowing he doesn't always remember me anymore.  I often feel guilty leaving him behind this September as I head out on this adventure, but I know that if he was in a better state he would be the one pushing me to Spain.  So as much as this move is for myself, it's for doing what my grandpa would want for me. <3

Can't forget my baby!  I'll miss him too!

Food

Yum, wings with sauce!

This is my favorite topic in the entire world, food.  I love food.  And even though I do love Spanish food, I love saucy, spicy, sweet American food too.  I'm trying to hit all of my favorite local spots before I leave because I know food is something I missed a lot while in Spain the past two summers.

It's funny how things you don't really think about, like specific foods, can make a world of difference in homesickness.  Last summer when I was missing American food my boyfriend took me to Foster's Hollywood so I could get my American food fix and that little taste of home made me so happy.

Delicious, delicious Bismarks.

After visiting Spain a couple of times before I know what American foods I miss the most: good BBQ sauce, Buffalo sauce, any sauce, spicy food, good burgers, blue cheese dressing, peanut butter, dessert, maple syrup, and ice cream that's not plain. I'm trying to fit all of those in within the next three weeks...probably not the healthiest choice, but hey that's why I go to the gym so much!

Thanks to my food-loving friends I've definitely been making a dent in my list of must-have foods.  Not to mention so many people have already started stocking me up on food supplies to bring to Spain this year!  I already have BBQ sauce, Buffalo sauce, vanilla extract, and whole sauce recipe book my cousin put together for my birthday (I know it will be a lifesaver!).

But even with all this preparation I know there is one thing I will miss most of all.  Good beer, and a wide selection of good beer.  It's a hard thing to say "good-bye" to 69 beers on tap and "hello" to only one.  And that 'one' might as well be water.  Oh well, I guess you can't have everything.

I shall miss you dear beer with actual flavor!

New England Landscape

Rhode Island is a little known state.  Really.  Ask anyone outside of New England and they don't know it exists (sometimes even in NE!!), but I think it's one of the most beautiful.  We have a beautiful, rugged coastline, large forests, and hidden ponds and rivers.

It's full of New England charm and its landscape is something I will sorely miss while in Madrid.  I've always grown up near the ocean, my house is fifteen minutes and my dad's is only five.  My whole life I've never lived more than fifteen minutes away the ocean.  The beach was always my escape; a place I would go to study, read a book, or take a walk when I just needed a break from everything.  To not have that this year will be one of the hardest things to get used to.

Another part of Rhode Island, and New England in general, that I miss when I visit Spain is the woods.  How else could you have beautiful New England foliage in the fall if there weren't so many trees!  I live on a dead-end, seriously surrounded by trees, and have only one neighbor.

Along with not having the ocean, I won't have the solitude that comes from living in the wooded country.  I'm definitely moving out of my element going to Madrid, the third largest city in Europe, where I'm sure it will be much harder to find the solitude I'm used to.

While I'm excited for a new experience in the 'big city' I'll definitely miss my country roots and the landscape I grew up with.  I'm trying to take in as much of the woods, ocean, and rivers as I can before the trees I'll find will be in a park and I'll be serenaded by noises other than crickets at night.

Growing up my friends and I were all so excited to leave our small town one day and start out somewhere new in the big world.  Now that the day is coming up fast I find that I have much more appreciation for the beautiful area I was so lucky to grow up in, but so little time left to appreciate it!

I'm king of the world!  Or something like that...

Holidays and Traditions

Just my pumpkin patch donkey friend.

This really goes hand and hand with my missing my family, as most of these traditions are things we've done together since I was a little kid.  Being so far away, this is the first year I won't be able to celebrate birthdays, do any of these traditions, or celebrate any major holidays with my family.  

In the fall we always go pumpkin picking at one of the local farms.  Usually we also go in the corn maze and on the hayride, then go home and decorate our pumpkins.  I doubt I'll even be able to find a whole pumpkin in Spain, and celebrating Halloween there is very different (if even celebrated).  

Along with Thanksgiving, which obviously isn't traditionally celebrated in Spain, is cutting down our Christmas tree.  We always get it the Friday after Thanksgiving and it will be hard not being there to help pick it, cut it down, then decorate it at home.

While I know the Spanish Christmas celebration is not as different as Halloween, at least in my boyfriend's family, there will be certain traditions I'll miss doing with my family.  

Making all of our Christmas cookies for example, sometimes I think we end up with more cookies than dinner food...  Or our annual arts and craft project, reading the "Night Before Christmas," watching our holiday movies, and celebrating Christmas with specific traditions from our mixed cultural heritage.

1000x yum!

My family is a mix of the British Isles, Sweden, Germany, and French Canadian and a lot of that is incorporated in how we celebrate the holiday.  Our Christmas Eve food is normally a mix of traditional food from the British Isles, our Christmas Day breakfast is always Swedish (Swedish pancakes and coffee bread), and we of course have the German Christmas pickle...yes that's a real thing.

I know I'll miss spending the important days with my family but I know I'll get to experience a whole new set of cultures and traditions, as well as share some of my own as well.  Some of my friends have already mentioned having a Madrid Thanksgiving, and who knows, maybe I'll bring my own German pickle!

Free Gym Membership

This may sound like a strange thing to most people.  What normal person would miss a gym membership so much?  Well maybe I'm not that 'normal' but I honestly just really love working out, is that weird...  I seriously do like having my routine of three hours a week, I like doing cardio and strength, I like feeling stronger, having more stamina, and I like that I can go for free.  I'm sure most of you stopped right there, free?  As in no money?  But yes, you read that correctly.  For the past two years I've worked at the local YMCA and as a part-time employee I get a free membership, saving me hundreds of dollars a year!!

Now with moving to Madrid I'm worried about how I will be able to workout there.  I don't think I'll have enough money to spend on a monthly membership, as most seem to be at least €30+.  I've really been dependent on my membership while at home because every time I try to run outside I have intense hip pain (thank you scoliosis for my uneven hips).  I definitely will miss the free membership, and thus far have not come up with any way to soothe this loss in the move abroad...

My Car

Told you I was surrounded by woods!

As much as I do love the reliable transportation in Spain and don't really like driving that much, I will still miss my car.  

Or at least the freedom having my own car gives me.  I don't have to wait for the public transportation schedule, I don't have to worry about how late or early the transportation runs, and I don't have to know where I need to meet it either.  When I want to go somewhere, or need to get away, I can just hop in my car and I'm off.  

Having my own car is again something else I often took for granted living here.  Yes, driving is not my favorite, but I had the freedom to come and go as I please.  While I really am looking forward to public transportation this coming year I know I will miss not having the independence to rely on myself when I want to get somewhere.

Definitely won't miss this:

9 inches of snow...and only the middle of the storm

Sorry if this is a little "down," but now you can read about all the great things I'm looking forward to abroad!

For those of you moving, or doing a similar program, what will you miss about home?  Do you think you'll miss any of the same things?

The First Goodbyes

Well the day finally came, the day I had to start my goodbyes before leaving for Spain.  Yesterday was the last day of school, and my last day with my students in the after-school program I've worked at for the past ten months. 

Pumpkins we carved in the fall.

Over the past ten months I've grown really close with all of the kids we watched.  Most of them I had the experience of working with them in school as their substitute teacher, as well as out of school in the after-school program.  And despite all the long days, all the times I wanted to pull my hair out because no one was following directions, I never actually thought the day would come when I would have to say goodbye to these amazing children and their wonderful families.

The delicious donut cake we bought them

Part of me still thinks that I'll just see their bright, shining faces tomorrow; yelling my name down the hallway and running over to give me a hug.  But the worst part is when they tell me they can't wait to see me again in the fall.  Because I've told them all, and their families, my plans.  I have had those talks explaining that "Miss Lauren found a job in Spain,  it's across the ocean so I won't be here next year with all of you."  But they're young and most don't even know what Europe is, so they look up at me with those big, eager eyes "But you'll visit us, right?"  And cue my heart melting...

As we said our goodbyes I had to remind them that I don't know if I'll see them again.  Most still didn't comprehend that it was the end of my time there, a few even said they would see me tomorrow.  One of my favorite little girls almost walked out without giving me a final hug until her dad gently reminded her.  You could see it hit her as she dropped all of her stuff and jumped into my arms for a final hug; this very well could be the last time we saw each other.  A few of the children I did give my address to so we could write each other.  And while this promise of keeping in touch softened the blow to my already sensitive personality, I didn't realize goodbye would be so hard.  I had not prepared myself for this first set of goodbyes...I didn't think I would have to start so soon!

"My favorite thing about School's Out is the teachers"

I'm proud of how much these little ones have grown and glad I've gotten to share the year with them and their wonderful families.  The cards some of the families gave me were so touching; knowing I have their appreciation is worth more than any gift I could ever be given.  The chance to have a small part in the lives of their children has been so fulfilling and has made my first year after college so much more rewarding.  I do hope I can stay in touch with the few families who I have exchanged addresses with, because (and maybe this is just because I'm an emotional mush-ball) these children have all weaseled their way into my heart.  

Ah so cute, breaking my heart!

Saying my first goodbyes have made me realize that rest are not far behind.  Before I know it, it will be time to leave all of the people I love here...  But I'll try not to worry about those for now. It's bittersweet enough saying good-bye to the bright little faces I've gotten to spend time with for the past ten months.  Bittersweet having the last day of of silly pictures, bear hugs, making 'boo-boos' better, and little voices expressing their love.  Now we're both on our own new journeys, and I feel blessed that I've gotten to play a even small part in who they are and who they will become.