No Soy Yo: On Being Myself in Another Language

Ok.  We all know learning another language isn't easy, but expressing yourself...that's the hard part.

When you speak in your native language it feels natural.  You can crack a joke without thinking, have small talk with ease, and express yourself as an individual.  In another language it's just not the same: you fumble for words, your sarcasm doesn't come through, and cultural jokes are lost on you.

Being away from loved ones certainly doesn't help either

I can understand, have conversations, and produce Spanish.  But even with how much my Spanish has improved living abroad I still don't feel like myself.  I'm no poet, but in English the words have always come easily (excellent for all that SAT prep) but in Spanish I feel more like I'm the equivalent of a ten-year old child.  And not even a very funny one.

I know fitting in is always hard, especially being a naturally shy person, and moving abroad is no exception.  It's a frustrating circle of struggling to express myself, disliking my inability to express the real me in Spanish, and feeling further anxiety at the thought of struggling to express myself in the next social situation. Ugh.

Cracking jokes with my BFF back home

Speaking Spanish, especially the fear of speaking it incorrectly and inadequately (even though I know it's incredibly silly) has led me to just keep quiet.  I kept pulling the whole "try and make yourself invisible" that we all know never works.  I know the irrational fear of my Spanish causing me to be laughed out of a room has only been made worse by my anxiety, but knowing this didn't always make it easier.

So as this new year began I've finally realized that, after years of struggling to reconcile the real me with the "Spanish" me, the fear holding me back is pointless.  My Spanish won't get better if I'm too afraid to speak it.  And the more I hold back the progress of my Spanish the longer I stifle my personal expression.  Not to mention if I've never judged anyone for making mistakes in English why would I be judged for imperfect Spanish?  Answer: I can't let fear hold me back forever.  

Definitely speaks to me this year.

I know it was a brave thing picking up my entire life and moving to another continent, to start over in a new city, a new culture.  But as I remember the little girl who walked into my grandmother's Spanish classroom unashamed to babble in Spanish and share herself, I think that maybe it's time to be brave again.  To allow myself to make mistakes in Spanish, to share myself more freely, and to not be so afraid of just being me.

 Plus speaking Spanish can't be as scary as jumping out of a plane, can it?

How has your experience been expressing yourself in a different language?

Nochebuena, Papa Noel, and a Snowless Christmas

I knew one day I wouldn't be able to come home for holidays; after all we all grow up, we all move away from home, and we all start our own lives.  I just never imagined the day would come so soon and that we would be separated by a whole ocean.

When I accepted the position to teach abroad in Madrid I made the conscious decision that I would not be home for Christmas.  Flight prices are so expensive this time of year, I didn't know if I would have my resident card in time, and it just seemed easier to stay in Spain to celebrate.

Christmas morning!

In retrospect, more convenient: yes, easier: no, rewarding and worth the experience: definitely.

While it was at times really hard being away from my family (a.k.a. on Christmas Eve I might have cried the whole bus ride home from the downtown area...), I was extremely lucky to be invited to spend the holidays with my boyfriend's family in Santander and had a home away from home.  Plus the added bonus that I got to see what Christmas was like as part of a Spanish family.

One of the things that pleasantly surprised me the most was the extent of the public Christmas decorations.  In both Madrid and Santander there were Christmas lights on all over the main streets and plazas; I was amazed when December hit and the streets were lit up every night.  While Madrid, as the capital, certainly had more lights I still found those in Santander impressive.

Town Hall of Santander

The plaza of the Ayuntamiento of Santander was lit up with tree lights, the reyes magos (wise men), and reindeer; not to mention the carousel and Mercado de Navidad in the Plaza de Pombo.  I guess I found all the holiday decorations strange becauses of all the controversy at home about decorating for Christmas and excluding other holidays.  It's become such a taboo subject in some public places like schools that I was not used to so much "Christmas", but being away from home I loved all the extra holiday spirit!

One tradition that was definitely new for me was Tardbuena. When December 24th roles around all the young (drinking age) people, at least in Santander, celebrate Tardebuena.  Before having dinner and spending the evening with their families, they spend the afternoon drinking at different bars with their friends.  And when I say the afternoon I literally mean from noon to seven bar hopping decked out with noisemakers and santa claus hats.

When I asked my friends about this tradition they said it's something that is a relatively recent addition to their holiday celebrations, maybe five or so years old.  While it may just seem like typical Spain going out and partying, it's more than just getting drunk before your family dinner.  It's about including your friends in your holiday celebration and celebrating being a "family" with them.

I found on my first Tardebuena that it was the perfect way to fit in 'friend-time' during the busy family holiday season.  Unfortunately for us though, and in true Santander fashion, Tardebuena ended in a rain-out as we tried to run to the bus stop without being soaked.  I failed and made the bus looking like a wet dog...

My second Spanish family

After everyone goes home, or is picked up, the real Nochebuena (Christmas Eve) celebrations began.  Finally, with dry hair, I got dressed for the night and we all went to my BF's grandfather's house in a village just outside of Santander.  Unlike most holiday celebrations at home there were not appetizers served while everyone was waiting around for dinner to be cooked, you just have to be patient and wait for food (very un-Spanish!)  This wait is even more noticeable by the fact that dinner was not served until 10:00 pm, an ungodly dinner hour for most Americans.  But absolutely worth all the delicious Spanish foods!

[If you want to learn about some of the traditional Spanish Christmas treats read this post by blogger Cat from Sunshine and Siestas: A Field Guide to Spanish Christmas Treats, I particularly like marzipan and turrón the most.]

A little piece of home!

When we did finally commence eating, our first plates were: langostinos (prawns/large shrimp), pâté, anchovies, cured lomo, salad, and of course piles of bread.  I'm not a huge fan of pâté or anchovies, but I love langostinos and I had a super Spanish lesson on how to peel them with a knife and fork.  I'm proud to say that I was mostly successful!  After the first plates came the meats: cochinillo (suckling pig/piglet) and cordero (lamb).  And finally dinner was followed by New York style Blueberry Cheesecake from the BF's cousin, assorted Christmas cookies I made with the family, and drinking and games until four in the morning...  I kid you not.  Let's just say this grandma started to fall asleep after midnight.

Christmas morning after waking up, not so bright and early, we gathered around the Christmas tree to open our presents from Papa Noel.  Papa Noel is very similar our 'American' Santa Claus and is a relatively new part of the Spanish holiday traditions.  In fact, many of my students and friends still receive most (if not all) of their presents from the Three Wise Men on the Epiphany on January 6th.  Nowadays in the BF's house they give most of the presents on Christmas and only a few on the Epiphany.

Christmas boxer sharing the spoils

Our piles of presents were all sorted and marked by our respective slippers, and like at home, we each took turns opening the gifts.  The BF's family was super sweet and even had some presents for me!  It was really thoughtful because I thought I was only going to have the gifts that I had gotten when my mom put Christmas money in my account for presents.

After the present extravaganza was finished we got ready to head back to their grandfather's house for Christmas day lunch.  We all filled up on more langostino, baked pasta, more meat, and leftover desserts from the night before.  Part of the family's holiday tradition was that after every Christmas day lunch the cousins all go out to the cinema to catch a movie, so while we digested we caught a showing of the second part of The Hobbit.

But even though "Christmas" was technically over, the celebrations were not.

Every year the BF and his friends have a Christmas dinner where they get dressed up, go to a nice restaurant for a special menu, and participate in Secret Santa.  Since this was my first Christmas here it was also my first year to be a part of the festivities.  Luckily I was given a good friend and I surprised her with a hand-knitted hat and jewelry.

This year we had the dinner on the 28th, the holiday of 'Día de los Inocentes,' the Spanish equivalent of April Fool's Day.  Let's just say the waiters' had a lot of fun making jokes when they were serving us...  The food was good, the wine was flowing, and it really meant a lot to feel like a part of the group.  As the 'foreigner' in a group it can be easy to feel left out even if no one means it: someone tells an inside cultural joke that you don't get because you didn't group up there, a song from the 80's comes on and the whole bar starts rocking out without you, etc.  

But my point is, that it's days like that Christmas dinner when you see the effort someone took trying to buy you the perfect present (an assortment of baking supplies, cupcakes for everyone!), that you realize just how much you're loved.  And that's when I realized everything.  

I was home for Christmas.  It just took a while to realize you can have more than one.

How was your Christmas?  Do you have any special holiday traditions?

Exhausted in Madrid

Yes.  I know.  It's been over a week since my last post, but trust me; definitely not the most exciting week you've all been missing.  If you don't believe me here's a quick rundown of the "excitement" you've been spared from missing.

Proof of delicious Spanish beer!

• Picked up my NIE (Foreigner Identification Number) so I'm almost legal in Spain
• Experienced a field trip to the zoo with my fourth grade students
• Tried, and I can't believe I'm saying this, some good Spanish beer this is actually brewed right here in Madrid
• Finally made a Spanish bank account; seriously why is it such a hassle here?
• Started the first of my private lessons that I will hold after school
• Planned a trip for the upcoming puente "long weekend" to Sevilla
• Enjoyed the Fiesta del Cine (Cinema Festival) in Madrid

But mainly what the world has been missing from the commentary on my life abroad is how exhausted I'm finding myself at the end of every day, even though I'm working far less than I did last year.

I love my school, my classes, my students, and my teachers; but it can be exhausting the effort it takes to communicate some ideas to the students (especially the younger students).  My school has a very strong bilingual program and in all the Science and English classes the teachers, and the students, only speak in English.  It's very impressive, but some days dealing with the language barrier (and studying Spanish at home myself) are harder than others.

I seriously forgot how much practicing, and especially teaching, a language can take out of you.  At work we're not allowed to speak Spanish or translate and while it's definitely better for the students to make them speak English, it's much harder as the person trying to convey the ideas.  I'm constantly searching for words and ways to describe concepts in English, repeating simple commands, and keeping track of my instincts to respond to Spanish with Spanish.

PERFECT thing to come home to after working all day

The younger students generally are more tiring because of their boundless energy (can I have some pretty please?) and the fact that some days I find myself constantly repeating: "Go to page 10.  Page 10.  Page 10.  Page 10."  or "Raise your hand please.  Raise your hand.  Raise your hand. Raise your hand."  Many days by the time the students have recess I'm ready for a longggg siesta.

And now after school I've started giving private English lessons for some extra spending money.  So far I only have four hours, and they're on the same two days, but I will be out of the house and commuting more than I am used to.  On the days I have private lessons I won't be home until around 7:30 pm if I'm lucky.

But I'm still only working twenty hours.  And never in my life would I have thought that working twenty hours a week would be something to complain about.  Twenty hours in itself is practically nothing, but living abroad it's not just that.  It takes a lot living a different country and adjusting to many different aspects of life in a different culture.  I honestly think the real things that exhaust me are a combination of the language barrier and the Spanish schedule.  Let's face it.  At 23 years old I've been living my life like a grandma.  How many other people my age spent the past year knitting and going to bed before 11:00 pm?

Preparing crafts for Halloween at school next week

In Spain the lifestyle is much later and much more social on weekdays than I'm used to.  It's very common for us to meet our friends out for drinks and dinner late on weeknights (not that I'm complaining about some post-work drinks) but it's just this dang time-frame that the grandma in me is not adapting to very effectively.

On an average night in Madrid we eat dinner around 10:00 pm and are lucky if we make it to bed by midnight.  Then wake up at 7:30 am to do it all again.  Personally I don't know how Spaniards are not perpetually worn out by the late schedules they keep.  I guess it's just something they are used to?

And so I guess what you all really missed this past week is that I made a life-changing revelation: It's time to kick that internal grandma out of my life and enjoy my youth.  I've always forced myself to be serious and work hard but I've come to realize that there's nothing wrong with working and taking part in some cheese, wine, and dancing.  So yes. I'm currently exhausted; but I'm living my life and I don't think I've ever been happier with where it's going.  Thanks Spain!

How has your Fall been going?  Have you had any life-changing revelations?

Goals For my Time in Madrid

In less than two weeks I will be moving to Spain to teach English at a bilingual elementary school in Madrid with the government program: Auxiliares de Conversación.  Over the past months I've been thinking of the many things I would like to experience and accomplish in my year abroad.  Here is a working list of some the main goals I hope to meet there:

source

*Travel to at least three new countries.

*Learn how to cook Spanish foods for myself. So far I've managed pisto, salmorejo, crema de calabacín, natillas and more!

*Improve my Spanish enough to have a full conversation with my boyfriend's family.

*Read a full chapter book in Spanish for the first time since high school. (Apr. 2014)

*Find a way to exercise and stay in shape in Madrid, without hurting my hip again. (Sep. 2013-Buying a step at decathalon, best purchase ever)

*Go a whole day without speaking English.

*Try something I normally wouldn't. (Do barnacles count?)

*Be more independent.

*Bonus Goal: Visit all the Autonomous Communities in Spain, here are the ten I have yet to visit:

1. Andalucía (Nov. 13)
2. Aragón
3. Islas Baleares (Oct. 14)
4. Gran Canarias
5. Cataluña (Mar. 14)
6. Comunidad Valenciana
7. Extremadura (May 2014)
8. Galicia (Aug. 2014)
9. La Rioja (Feb. 2015)
10. Murcia

What goals do you have for this coming year?

What I'm Looking Forward To

Earlier this week I wrote a post about the things I would miss the most about my home when I move abroad this Fall.  As much as this small town girl always wanted to leave said small town, I've realized over the years that there is really so much I do love about New England.  That being said, there is also so much I'm looking forward to this coming year in Madrid (check the Auxiliares tab for more information on that!) because there are many things I miss about Spain.

Toledo, Spain

I've been to Spain a couple of times before, but at the longest for a few months, and mainly in the north.  Even though I'm moving to Madrid I've only spent a little over a week visiting the city.  Clearly I'm not an expert on the region but I'm very excited to familiarize myself with my new home (in just a few short weeks)!.  Along with getting to know the city I'll be living for the year, here are some of the many things that I'm looking forward to during my adventures in Spain this year.

Friends and Boyfriend

Moving to Spain means I'll be much closer to my boyfriend and all of our great friends.  While my boyfriend and his friends are all from the north, many of them study in Madrid so, from what we've been talking about, I already have a busy social life!  

Since I first met all of these wonderful people over two years ago, this has been the longest I've gone without seeing them (seriously having withdrawals) so I'm counting down the days until we're reunited.  It's definitely making the 3,000+ mile move easier knowing that while I may be leaving one great group of friends, I'm going to another.

And with this move, I'm also finally closer to my boyfriend specifically.  It will be the first year in the past two of our relationship that we've even lived within the same continent, hopefully even in the same apartment.  

Unfortunately we're still not sure whether or not he'll be able to find work and live in Madrid with me (*fingers crossed on different prospective jobs*) or be at home in Santander and study something.  Either way I'll be content because at least we're closer than we would be in our respective countries.

I'm really looking forward to a year of getting more quality time with my boyfriend and spending more times with our friends.  I'm very lucky going into this experience knowing so many people; I have a lot to look forward to in Madrid!

Living in a City

In my previous post about what I'll miss about home I wrote that I'll miss the landscape of the New England countryside I grew up in.  While this is true, I am beyond excited to live in a major city for the first time (other than the couple of months I lived with my boyfriend's family).  

I never thought I would like living in the city but after visiting I realized how much I liked the accessibility of everything.  Everything was open later, public transportation was more reliable, and it was possible to walk nearly everywhere.

The public transportation is big part of living in the city that I'm very excited about.  It's so nice to just hop on the metro or bus and just go where you want without having to worry about traffic, parking, or gas prices.  Not to mention in Spain it runs more often and runs later compared to at home.  Public transportation in Spain is so accessible, that many of my friends don't have a car or driver's license.  

Where I live it's a 15 minute drive to even get to public transportation and it only goes to limited locations.  Even though I do like the freedom of my car, I really hate don't like driving.  I'm looking forward to a year without having to bother with my car or expensive gas prices.  I definitely prefer walking or a ride on the bus, metro, or train over driving any day!

Food

Tortilla

Ahh!  Can you tell this is my favorite topic, when am I not talk about food?  Spanish food is so different than what most people think it is (aka. it's not Mexican food) and I love all the fresh vegetables and fruits that are so easy to come by.  

My BF's Christmas Dinner

Personally my favorite Spanish foods are tortilla (Spanish omelette), the cured jamón, the fresh bread, strong cheeses, and patatas bravas.  My past trips to Spain I have been spoiled by my boyfriend's mom or housekeeper and their amazing cooking, but now I have to learn how to cook Spanish food myself (or mooch off my friends' cooking skills...)

So delicious looking!

One of my favorite things about about Spanish food is that it can be so different depending on the region of the country you're in.  Being the capital and in a central location of Spain, Madrid will have many options from the various regions.  I really want to learn more about other Spanish foods than what I'm used to eating in the north, hopefully living in Madrid will give me that opportunity.

If all else fails I'd be plenty happy to live off of my staple Spanish foods for the year...though I'm sure my friends will stage a jamón and cheese intervention if I keep it up for too long...

Wine is clearly a Spanish staple

Lifestyle

This is definitely something I'm preparing myself for.  The relaxed Spanish is such a change from the fast-paced seven-day work week I've gotten used to.  There are more vacation days and far less worrying about time schedules; I don't think I've ever seen my boyfriend or his friends concerned about being on time for anything.  

Though I think this stress/worry-free lifestyle is a more enjoyable way to live, I'm sure it will take a lot of patience getting used to it for an extended period of time (as well the situations this lifestyle creates with official paperwork and the service industry there).

I think it will be nice having only 16 hours of regularly scheduled work, leaving plenty of time to tutor, spend with my friends, and enjoy my youth (you know, instead of passing out falling asleep at 10:00 pm because I'm so exhausted).  This year will be a great experience to gain more time in my career field, to enjoy the Spanish lifestyle, and to enjoy crazy experiences with my friends while it's still socially acceptable (6 am kebabs?  I think so!)

Day drinking?  No big deal.

Travel

Having this relaxed lifestyle, and the multiple holidays off that come with it, is quite conducive to the next thing I'm looking forward to while abroad: travel.  Whether around Spain itself or other countries, being in Europe, especially a large capital city like Madrid, gives me a gateway to so many new countries and cities to visit.  

As a dual history major I focused my studies on Europe so I have a pretty extensive list of dream travel locations I would finally like to see in person.  It's such a mind blowing thing that I'll be living in a place that I've previously studied, a place with so much history, and that many of the other countries and cities I've also studied are just at my fingertips.  

I'm very excited to to start my travel plans for the year abroad with my boyfriend and our friends.  I've already started talking about a couple of potential trips with some of them, with my boyfriend and I particular to Ireland where his sister will be working the next couple of months (coincidentally in the same area part of my family originated from, yay for multi-cultural heritage!).

Even if I only hit a couple of new countries or cities during my stay I'll be happy.  It will definitely be a year of new adventures and new cultures to experience, even if just around the different regions of Spain!

Improving my Spanish

A major part of me wanting to move to Spain is my desire to improve my Spanish.  I already have a pretty decent grasp of Spanish, better than I think according to my friends, but I definitely want to work my way up to being fluent (or near fluent) one day in the future.

I studied for Spanish for around 7 seven years between middle school and high school, not to mention my grandma was fluent and I grew up with her speaking and writing to me in it.  Unfortunately when she died, my love of Spanish died too.  It wasn't until I met my boyfriend years later that I had to try to remember all the Spanish I had forced myself to forget (my family jokes that this was all somehow her plan to keep me with Spanish, very funny abuelita).

At times with my friends though it can be still be challenging to keep up.  There's so many of them and they all talk so loudly and all at once that it can often be hard to pick one voice out from another.  Luckily they're awesome and realize how tiring and frustrating it is when I'm that lost and will break into smaller side conversations so my head doesn't explode (that's love right there).

The point being, that even spending a few months in Spain the past couple of summers has helped my Spanish improve vastly.  Each visit I push myself harder (sometimes too hard if you ask my boyfriend, but more on that later) and my years of Spanish start to come back poco a poco (little by little), according to the BF's papá.  

In fact, my speaking and listening comprehension are far better than they ever have been and I know living abroad in Spain for a whole year will definitely help kick my Spanish up a notch.  It will be such a great learning experience and I'm so excited to start and keep improving my language skills.

Also, still looking forward to not having two feet of snow in the Winter.  Thanks but no thanks New England, you can keep all that...

Are you moving somewhere new?  What are you looking forward to in your new adventures?