No Soy Yo: On Being Myself in Another Language

Ok.  We all know learning another language isn't easy, but expressing yourself...that's the hard part.

When you speak in your native language it feels natural.  You can crack a joke without thinking, have small talk with ease, and express yourself as an individual.  In another language it's just not the same: you fumble for words, your sarcasm doesn't come through, and cultural jokes are lost on you.

Being away from loved ones certainly doesn't help either

I can understand, have conversations, and produce Spanish.  But even with how much my Spanish has improved living abroad I still don't feel like myself.  I'm no poet, but in English the words have always come easily (excellent for all that SAT prep) but in Spanish I feel more like I'm the equivalent of a ten-year old child.  And not even a very funny one.

I know fitting in is always hard, especially being a naturally shy person, and moving abroad is no exception.  It's a frustrating circle of struggling to express myself, disliking my inability to express the real me in Spanish, and feeling further anxiety at the thought of struggling to express myself in the next social situation. Ugh.

Cracking jokes with my BFF back home

Speaking Spanish, especially the fear of speaking it incorrectly and inadequately (even though I know it's incredibly silly) has led me to just keep quiet.  I kept pulling the whole "try and make yourself invisible" that we all know never works.  I know the irrational fear of my Spanish causing me to be laughed out of a room has only been made worse by my anxiety, but knowing this didn't always make it easier.

So as this new year began I've finally realized that, after years of struggling to reconcile the real me with the "Spanish" me, the fear holding me back is pointless.  My Spanish won't get better if I'm too afraid to speak it.  And the more I hold back the progress of my Spanish the longer I stifle my personal expression.  Not to mention if I've never judged anyone for making mistakes in English why would I be judged for imperfect Spanish?  Answer: I can't let fear hold me back forever.  

Definitely speaks to me this year.

I know it was a brave thing picking up my entire life and moving to another continent, to start over in a new city, a new culture.  But as I remember the little girl who walked into my grandmother's Spanish classroom unashamed to babble in Spanish and share herself, I think that maybe it's time to be brave again.  To allow myself to make mistakes in Spanish, to share myself more freely, and to not be so afraid of just being me.

 Plus speaking Spanish can't be as scary as jumping out of a plane, can it?

How has your experience been expressing yourself in a different language?

Exhausted in Madrid

Yes.  I know.  It's been over a week since my last post, but trust me; definitely not the most exciting week you've all been missing.  If you don't believe me here's a quick rundown of the "excitement" you've been spared from missing.

Proof of delicious Spanish beer!

• Picked up my NIE (Foreigner Identification Number) so I'm almost legal in Spain
• Experienced a field trip to the zoo with my fourth grade students
• Tried, and I can't believe I'm saying this, some good Spanish beer this is actually brewed right here in Madrid
• Finally made a Spanish bank account; seriously why is it such a hassle here?
• Started the first of my private lessons that I will hold after school
• Planned a trip for the upcoming puente "long weekend" to Sevilla
• Enjoyed the Fiesta del Cine (Cinema Festival) in Madrid

But mainly what the world has been missing from the commentary on my life abroad is how exhausted I'm finding myself at the end of every day, even though I'm working far less than I did last year.

I love my school, my classes, my students, and my teachers; but it can be exhausting the effort it takes to communicate some ideas to the students (especially the younger students).  My school has a very strong bilingual program and in all the Science and English classes the teachers, and the students, only speak in English.  It's very impressive, but some days dealing with the language barrier (and studying Spanish at home myself) are harder than others.

I seriously forgot how much practicing, and especially teaching, a language can take out of you.  At work we're not allowed to speak Spanish or translate and while it's definitely better for the students to make them speak English, it's much harder as the person trying to convey the ideas.  I'm constantly searching for words and ways to describe concepts in English, repeating simple commands, and keeping track of my instincts to respond to Spanish with Spanish.

PERFECT thing to come home to after working all day

The younger students generally are more tiring because of their boundless energy (can I have some pretty please?) and the fact that some days I find myself constantly repeating: "Go to page 10.  Page 10.  Page 10.  Page 10."  or "Raise your hand please.  Raise your hand.  Raise your hand. Raise your hand."  Many days by the time the students have recess I'm ready for a longggg siesta.

And now after school I've started giving private English lessons for some extra spending money.  So far I only have four hours, and they're on the same two days, but I will be out of the house and commuting more than I am used to.  On the days I have private lessons I won't be home until around 7:30 pm if I'm lucky.

But I'm still only working twenty hours.  And never in my life would I have thought that working twenty hours a week would be something to complain about.  Twenty hours in itself is practically nothing, but living abroad it's not just that.  It takes a lot living a different country and adjusting to many different aspects of life in a different culture.  I honestly think the real things that exhaust me are a combination of the language barrier and the Spanish schedule.  Let's face it.  At 23 years old I've been living my life like a grandma.  How many other people my age spent the past year knitting and going to bed before 11:00 pm?

Preparing crafts for Halloween at school next week

In Spain the lifestyle is much later and much more social on weekdays than I'm used to.  It's very common for us to meet our friends out for drinks and dinner late on weeknights (not that I'm complaining about some post-work drinks) but it's just this dang time-frame that the grandma in me is not adapting to very effectively.

On an average night in Madrid we eat dinner around 10:00 pm and are lucky if we make it to bed by midnight.  Then wake up at 7:30 am to do it all again.  Personally I don't know how Spaniards are not perpetually worn out by the late schedules they keep.  I guess it's just something they are used to?

And so I guess what you all really missed this past week is that I made a life-changing revelation: It's time to kick that internal grandma out of my life and enjoy my youth.  I've always forced myself to be serious and work hard but I've come to realize that there's nothing wrong with working and taking part in some cheese, wine, and dancing.  So yes. I'm currently exhausted; but I'm living my life and I don't think I've ever been happier with where it's going.  Thanks Spain!

How has your Fall been going?  Have you had any life-changing revelations?

I Survived the First Week

I keep thinking that as the weeks go by and I'm more settled in Madrid it will become easier to keep up with these posts.  Then it comes time to actually sit and write and I just can't seem to get the words out as I want.  Everyone at home asks me how things are and what exciting things I'm doing, but really things just feel normal.

Maybe it's the fact that being in a classroom is the norm for me, or that I'm living with my boyfriend, or now with my first week of work I'm officially speaking way too much English here!  This weekend has been my first alone to decompress and to really reflect on both this past month abroad and surviving my first week of work.

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And yes, you heard that right.  I survived my first week, high-fives anybody?  And from now until the end of June I will be working Tuesday through Friday in one fourth and three first grade classrooms.  If you ask why only the four days, in my program we can only work 16 hours per week.  But don't worry!  I'm looking for private classes too, we all know I'm a weirdo that lives to be busy.

Anyway, my school is a bilingual elementary school.  This means that multiple core subjects are taught completely in English, even to kindergarten and first graders, and each week I assist in teaching English, Science, and Physical Education (super fun!).  Even though it's only 16 hours per week, it's far more tiring than any teaching I have ever done before, and in fact far more frustrating because I have to pretend I don't know Spanish.  So many of the students are eager to talk and bond with me, but the young ones cannot communicate effectively in English yet.  I know they will improve quickly with all their exposure in school, but it still breaks my heart when I see their frustration because they can't express themselves.  I guess right now I'll just have to settle for hugs, kisses, and hearing "Hello Lauren (L-ow-rain)" yelled down the hallway.

My Experience

Each morning I wake up bright dark (seriously pitch black) and early at 7:30 am to catch the 8:26 train.  The day starts at 9:00 am, they have recess from 11:45 am to 12:15 (teacher's get a delicious breakfast!), and the school day ends at 2:00 pm.  At this point students can either be picked up by their parents or stay for the school's lunch.

And to be honest, my first day was a little jarring (and not only because they use mostly British English: rubbers, trousers, basins, toilets, oh. my. goodness.).

Luckily I had previously visited the school and kind of had an idea where everything was, so I wasn't that big a bundle of nerves.  Upon arrival the other auxiliares and I all met for a meeting where we received our health insurance cards, filled out paperwork, and discussed our weekly schedules.  Since there are four of us it was decided that two have Mondays off and the others Fridays.  It worked out quite nicely because two wanted specific days off and myself and the final wanted specific grade levels (luckily the opposite ones!).

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As I was sent off to my first classes I saw how different the spectrum of teaching can be.  Day one, a teacher of mine was what I would call 'a little bit rough around the edges'.  She was very, well, vocal in the class and it took me back a little because I'm not used to a teaching style like that.  In fact, I left the first day completely overwhelmed and unsure if I had made the right decision moving all the way here...

But I'm glad I brushed the thought off and came into school the next day with an open mind and a positive attitude.  Over the rest of the week I talked with the three different teachers I will be working with for the year about the plans they have for the class and it was then that I could fully see what dedicated, hard-working, and caring teachers I get to work with.  They do have very different teaching styles, but they all put so much personality and effort into their students and their lessons.  Especially clear in the constant celebration of the little victories: from when a student knows what day comes tomorrow, to asking if they should use a light or dark blue crayon, or to knowing what a cake is and that it starts with a "C".  'Good jobs' and high-fives all around!  So far it's been such a rewarding experience!

And on this note, I vow to carry the 'little victories' over into my own life for this year.  Maybe I'm still not a social butterfly, maybe I can't follow the news programs on tv, and maybe I still cannot have a heated debate in Spanish.  But I can run all the errands on my own, I can use public transportation without getting lost, and I can hold my own in a conversation.  Not bad for my first week of working abroad.

Exhibit A of the little victories:  Good wine and cheese

How has your first week been?  Has it been a good experience so far?

Getting Settled

Saying good-bye to my baby :(

I can't believe it's been over a week since my last post.  I guess this is in part not knowing what to write, along with not having time with the non-stop schedule my boyfriend and I have had.  It's been a week since I've arrived to Spain and even with multiple extended visits over the past couple of years, it's not any easier transitioning to 'living' in Spain.

When talking about someone moving abroad you'll often here some of these things: "How lucky!  How interesting!  You'll have so much fun!  I'm so jealous!" etc.  But people don't seem to know, or remember, how stressful it is moving your life thousands of miles away to a place whose culture can seem incredibly foreign to you.  The transition period is idealized as simple and painless, no effort necessary, just go on with your adventures.

Missing my Honey BBQ, but Spain does have honey mustard

By all means I'm definitely lucky here.  My boyfriend and our friends are all natives; I have a team of people willing to help me with apartment hunts, shopping trips, banking details, and legal information like residency.  But constantly being surrounded by native Spaniards also takes a lot of effort as I settle into my life for the year.

As much as I love Spain and my friends here, I always forget how exhausting and stressful the first few days are.  With my boyfriend, our friends, and his family I'm constantly surrounded by native Spanish speakers, while this is a great thing and I am proud of how much I am able to understand and speak already, I'm constantly tired from the effort of speaking and listening.  I know that the more I practice, the easier it will become with time, but it's definitely a huge part of the whole adjustment period that I like to forget about.

Can't find anything like this back home!

And while I am settling into my life abroad relatively easily (I am very comfortable with my boyfriend, his family, and our friends) I still feel like this is only a vacation.  I can't help but think that I'll be home in a month or two, not about to begin work in a whole new school culture in the next couple of weeks.

Maybe because it's just too daunting to fully comprehend that big of a change...but poco a poco, no?

Visiting Puente Viesgo

The point is, that while I'm incredibly grateful for this new adventure, it will definitely take time to feel fully settled.  It sure does help feeling at home that as we speak I'm watching Aladdin (in Spanish I might add) and cuddling up to my boyfriend's adorable Boxer, and if that doesn't scream "home away from home" I don't know what does.

Right now I may not understand everything, and there may be times to come where I miss home and the things I've become used to over the years, but I'm okay with that.

After all, what kind of adventure is it if you're not a little apprehensive?  I'm very lucky to have this opportunity, and even more lucky that I have such amazing people helping me along the way.  So for any of you on your next great adventure, Venus the family Boxer and I send you the best wishes.

Bravery comes in may forms and taking any step forward with your life, even if it may be scary or lonely at first, it's worth the risk of what you might be able to accomplish.  Hopefully, I'll have more internet and time, over the next few weeks to post more of how I'm adjusting (like finding our adorable apartment).  Until than, hasta luego.

Are you having any big changes in your life?  How are you settling in?

What I'm Looking Forward To

Earlier this week I wrote a post about the things I would miss the most about my home when I move abroad this Fall.  As much as this small town girl always wanted to leave said small town, I've realized over the years that there is really so much I do love about New England.  That being said, there is also so much I'm looking forward to this coming year in Madrid (check the Auxiliares tab for more information on that!) because there are many things I miss about Spain.

Toledo, Spain

I've been to Spain a couple of times before, but at the longest for a few months, and mainly in the north.  Even though I'm moving to Madrid I've only spent a little over a week visiting the city.  Clearly I'm not an expert on the region but I'm very excited to familiarize myself with my new home (in just a few short weeks)!.  Along with getting to know the city I'll be living for the year, here are some of the many things that I'm looking forward to during my adventures in Spain this year.

Friends and Boyfriend

Moving to Spain means I'll be much closer to my boyfriend and all of our great friends.  While my boyfriend and his friends are all from the north, many of them study in Madrid so, from what we've been talking about, I already have a busy social life!  

Since I first met all of these wonderful people over two years ago, this has been the longest I've gone without seeing them (seriously having withdrawals) so I'm counting down the days until we're reunited.  It's definitely making the 3,000+ mile move easier knowing that while I may be leaving one great group of friends, I'm going to another.

And with this move, I'm also finally closer to my boyfriend specifically.  It will be the first year in the past two of our relationship that we've even lived within the same continent, hopefully even in the same apartment.  

Unfortunately we're still not sure whether or not he'll be able to find work and live in Madrid with me (*fingers crossed on different prospective jobs*) or be at home in Santander and study something.  Either way I'll be content because at least we're closer than we would be in our respective countries.

I'm really looking forward to a year of getting more quality time with my boyfriend and spending more times with our friends.  I'm very lucky going into this experience knowing so many people; I have a lot to look forward to in Madrid!

Living in a City

In my previous post about what I'll miss about home I wrote that I'll miss the landscape of the New England countryside I grew up in.  While this is true, I am beyond excited to live in a major city for the first time (other than the couple of months I lived with my boyfriend's family).  

I never thought I would like living in the city but after visiting I realized how much I liked the accessibility of everything.  Everything was open later, public transportation was more reliable, and it was possible to walk nearly everywhere.

The public transportation is big part of living in the city that I'm very excited about.  It's so nice to just hop on the metro or bus and just go where you want without having to worry about traffic, parking, or gas prices.  Not to mention in Spain it runs more often and runs later compared to at home.  Public transportation in Spain is so accessible, that many of my friends don't have a car or driver's license.  

Where I live it's a 15 minute drive to even get to public transportation and it only goes to limited locations.  Even though I do like the freedom of my car, I really hate don't like driving.  I'm looking forward to a year without having to bother with my car or expensive gas prices.  I definitely prefer walking or a ride on the bus, metro, or train over driving any day!

Food

Tortilla

Ahh!  Can you tell this is my favorite topic, when am I not talk about food?  Spanish food is so different than what most people think it is (aka. it's not Mexican food) and I love all the fresh vegetables and fruits that are so easy to come by.  

My BF's Christmas Dinner

Personally my favorite Spanish foods are tortilla (Spanish omelette), the cured jamón, the fresh bread, strong cheeses, and patatas bravas.  My past trips to Spain I have been spoiled by my boyfriend's mom or housekeeper and their amazing cooking, but now I have to learn how to cook Spanish food myself (or mooch off my friends' cooking skills...)

So delicious looking!

One of my favorite things about about Spanish food is that it can be so different depending on the region of the country you're in.  Being the capital and in a central location of Spain, Madrid will have many options from the various regions.  I really want to learn more about other Spanish foods than what I'm used to eating in the north, hopefully living in Madrid will give me that opportunity.

If all else fails I'd be plenty happy to live off of my staple Spanish foods for the year...though I'm sure my friends will stage a jamón and cheese intervention if I keep it up for too long...

Wine is clearly a Spanish staple

Lifestyle

This is definitely something I'm preparing myself for.  The relaxed Spanish is such a change from the fast-paced seven-day work week I've gotten used to.  There are more vacation days and far less worrying about time schedules; I don't think I've ever seen my boyfriend or his friends concerned about being on time for anything.  

Though I think this stress/worry-free lifestyle is a more enjoyable way to live, I'm sure it will take a lot of patience getting used to it for an extended period of time (as well the situations this lifestyle creates with official paperwork and the service industry there).

I think it will be nice having only 16 hours of regularly scheduled work, leaving plenty of time to tutor, spend with my friends, and enjoy my youth (you know, instead of passing out falling asleep at 10:00 pm because I'm so exhausted).  This year will be a great experience to gain more time in my career field, to enjoy the Spanish lifestyle, and to enjoy crazy experiences with my friends while it's still socially acceptable (6 am kebabs?  I think so!)

Day drinking?  No big deal.

Travel

Having this relaxed lifestyle, and the multiple holidays off that come with it, is quite conducive to the next thing I'm looking forward to while abroad: travel.  Whether around Spain itself or other countries, being in Europe, especially a large capital city like Madrid, gives me a gateway to so many new countries and cities to visit.  

As a dual history major I focused my studies on Europe so I have a pretty extensive list of dream travel locations I would finally like to see in person.  It's such a mind blowing thing that I'll be living in a place that I've previously studied, a place with so much history, and that many of the other countries and cities I've also studied are just at my fingertips.  

I'm very excited to to start my travel plans for the year abroad with my boyfriend and our friends.  I've already started talking about a couple of potential trips with some of them, with my boyfriend and I particular to Ireland where his sister will be working the next couple of months (coincidentally in the same area part of my family originated from, yay for multi-cultural heritage!).

Even if I only hit a couple of new countries or cities during my stay I'll be happy.  It will definitely be a year of new adventures and new cultures to experience, even if just around the different regions of Spain!

Improving my Spanish

A major part of me wanting to move to Spain is my desire to improve my Spanish.  I already have a pretty decent grasp of Spanish, better than I think according to my friends, but I definitely want to work my way up to being fluent (or near fluent) one day in the future.

I studied for Spanish for around 7 seven years between middle school and high school, not to mention my grandma was fluent and I grew up with her speaking and writing to me in it.  Unfortunately when she died, my love of Spanish died too.  It wasn't until I met my boyfriend years later that I had to try to remember all the Spanish I had forced myself to forget (my family jokes that this was all somehow her plan to keep me with Spanish, very funny abuelita).

At times with my friends though it can be still be challenging to keep up.  There's so many of them and they all talk so loudly and all at once that it can often be hard to pick one voice out from another.  Luckily they're awesome and realize how tiring and frustrating it is when I'm that lost and will break into smaller side conversations so my head doesn't explode (that's love right there).

The point being, that even spending a few months in Spain the past couple of summers has helped my Spanish improve vastly.  Each visit I push myself harder (sometimes too hard if you ask my boyfriend, but more on that later) and my years of Spanish start to come back poco a poco (little by little), according to the BF's papá.  

In fact, my speaking and listening comprehension are far better than they ever have been and I know living abroad in Spain for a whole year will definitely help kick my Spanish up a notch.  It will be such a great learning experience and I'm so excited to start and keep improving my language skills.

Also, still looking forward to not having two feet of snow in the Winter.  Thanks but no thanks New England, you can keep all that...

Are you moving somewhere new?  What are you looking forward to in your new adventures?

Benefits of Learning a Second Language

A lot of my friends and family ask me why, as a certified teacher, would I want to move to Spain to teach English as an assistant instead of looking for a permanent job here, in the USA.  Other than the fact that I love Spain and want to be closer to my boyfriend, is that learning a second language is SO very important.  And is something I, and my whole family, are very passionate about.

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My grandmother was well-known in the foreign language community as a long-time high school Spanish teacher and an active member of multiple language organizations.  My mother also was a Spanish teacher but at the elementary school level.  Both have instilled in me the value of second language learning, particularly at a young age!

If you're considering an attempt to learn another language, or if you're teaching abroad and you're questioning your importance in the class (or have family that is not supportive), here are just some of the benefits of learning a second language.

The Younger You Learn, the Better Your Ability

Research over the years has argued that there is an optimal window for learning a second language, a time when our minds are more open and able to pick up the language easily with little accent.  In a February 1996 Newsweek article, Sharon Begley claimed: this "'learning window' of opportunity for language learning is indicated from birth to ten years...it's far easier for an elementary school child to hear and process a second language and even speak it without an accent."  Whether cognitively more able than adults or not, young children are generally more open and interested in learning another language and about another culture.  They are naturally inquisitive and learning a second language can be both fun and exciting for them.

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I once did a report on the benefits of Early Language Learning back in high school.  I compared student work from my mom's 5th grade students, that she had been with since kindergarten, to what I had done in my own 10th grade Spanish class.  Everyone in my class was shocked that we were working on the exact same concepts.   Just think if they continued their language studies all the way through college...

Increased Opportunity for Jobs

Knowing a second language is extremely important in the job search nowadays.  In a world as global as ours is, it has become increasingly valuable to be able to communicate with people from other countries and backgrounds.  Many companies have contacts or positions overseas, most educators have students coming from various countries with differing language abilities, and in general you will encounter people that speak other languages in most places you will work .  Being bi-lingual, or even tri-lingual, is a huge selling point to have on your resume and could be what makes you stand out from a sea of other candidates.

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From my personal experience, I had one practicum teaching experience where the majority of students spoke Spanish as their native language but the teacher knew no Spanish.  Knowing Spanish helped me communicate with these young students and help provide better support in the classroom.

Improved Grasp of Native Language

Learning a second language also helps improve the grasp of one's native language.  Too often we may forget the specific grammar and structural rules of our own language, but learning another language forces us to re-examine these rules as we are often comparing our native language to the second.  Most people who are learning a foreign language show improved knowledge in reading, grammar, writing, and overall critical thinking.

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Learning Spanish helped me have a better grasp in different areas of English like: direct and indirect object pronouns, various verb tenses, a rich extended vocabulary, adverbs, and of course general memorization.  Not to mention knowing Spanish seriously helped me with the often Latin-based SAT vocabulary words.

Increased Mental Capacity

While learning a second language helps improve your grasp of your native language, studies have also shown that in general studying a foreign language increases your mental capacity.  Some of these benefits on mental capacity range from things like increased problem solving abilities, high memorization skills, better communication skills, and increased creativity.  And these are not limited to younger learners, studying a second language is beneficial to people of all ages.  It is a mental challenge, and challenging your brain is always beneficial.  Recent studies have shown correlations between studying a second language and postponing the effects of Dementia.  This claim is made based on studies on the brain showing that the challenge of learning, and using, a second language helps keep the brain active and strong.

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Travel Benefits

It is often the stereotype of traveling Americans that we will only speak English while in a foreign country without even trying a few words in the local language.  This may not be true for all, but many American in reality do not know a second language.  This can make it difficult for those traveling internationally (I know I was surprised how few people over the age of 30ish in Spain didn't know English, really made me appreciate knowing Spanish!) as you may not always find people who speak English.

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Knowing even a few words in the local language can be extremely beneficial for international travel; it shows respect for the local culture and often will cause natives to be more accepting and welcoming of the traveler.  Wherever I travel I try to know a few basic words like: hello, have a nice day, thank you, please, and your welcome.  I've always found that even this small effort is very appreciated by the people I speak with (not to mention natives usually have a great knowledge of local places off the usual tourist radar).

Are you studying another language?  What benefits have you found from learning a foreign language?