Long Distance Loving: How We Make it Work

Nowadays it seems that many people are in long distance relationships.  In my case, mine started when I met someone while they were studying abroad.  A reader of my blog recently mentioned I should blog about my situation as they were in a similar relationship, and while I try not to get too personal on here I thought it could be a good idea.  So here you go, the low-down on one real-life long distance relationship:

Our relationship is one thing that never fails to confuse people.  They can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I would be 'crazy' enough to have a long distance relationship that is actually separated by an ocean.  We've been dating for 2.5 years but the last 1.5 has essentially been us living in our respective countries and traveling back and forth to visit.  When people find out that I'm in a long distance relationship there is always a multi-step reaction:

1. Initially it's: "Aw, cute!  Where's he from?"...then I throw out the curve ball that he's Spanish.
2. Now they look confused: "So wait, is he from Spain or studying in Spain?"  
3. I explain that he IS Spanish and therefore IS from Spain, as in you know, living there.  (That's when I get a face mixed somewhere between pity and horror.)
4. But it gets better.  This semester my Spanish boyfriend is currently studying in Shanghai, China. 

We went from this...

To this.  (Anyone else concerned google says I can drive there...)

Yes, you heard that right.  Instead of closing the 3,000+ mile gap we have created a 7,000+ mile gap.  My favorite part is the completely unreliable internet that makes skyping an absolute nightmare, not mention the complicated visa process just to visit China...but I digress...  Once people get over the initial shock there are always the same main questions: How did you meet?, What's it Like?, How do you make it work?, Do you have trouble understanding one another?, What are your plans for the future?  So here you go, the reality of an intercontinental relationship, because I promise you it's not all sunshine and daisies:

How We Met

We met at my University while he was studying abroad for a year and I was actually the very first girl that he met there.  It all started when I offered to help move move in the fridge for his roommate, who I previously knew.  Before I go further, if you know Spanish culture, you know that guys (and girls) will give two kisses, one on each cheek, when they meet a female.  Well I knew that too, but on that day I didn't even think about it. *foreshadowing*  When he went to shake the hands of the guys I was moving the fridge in with to thank them I instinctively held out my hand too.  When he gave me the two kisses instead of shaking my hand I was in complete shock until I remembered Spanish culture (too late).  I tried to compose myself so he didn't feel badly, but the damage was done.  Poor thing was mortified, and I actually avoided him for around a month because I was so embarrassed.  Eventually we bonded anyway by skydiving together and our love of world history/travel.  Good thing I didn't scare him off!

He's the one with the Spanish colors, go figure!

The Reality

Many people ask me what it's like being in a relationship with a person so far away, well the reality isn't pretty.  Only getting to see each other a couple times a year can be quite lonely.  People think falling in love with someone from another country is all sunshine and romance, where you meet some cute stranger and ride off into the sunset on their Vespa.  Incorrect.  Don't get me wrong, it is great, you know when you actually get to see each other.  Talking to him does help, but then you hang up on skype and you go out into the world and have to look at all those other couples happily together.

We've both learned how to cope (more or less) with the loneliness that comes with this type of relationship, but it's not any easier when you've had a rough day and just want your significant other to be with you.  We work really hard to get through those hard times by making our schedules work so that we can find time to talk, saving a lot of money to visit back in forth, planning in advance to get time off of work or school.  Not all long distance relationships are as extreme as ours; it all depends on the distance and the time zone situation, but it still isn't easy.

How We Make It Work

This one will be a long one because it is probably the most frequent question I get, how we make it work being apart.  Honestly, it takes a lot of effort and hard-work.  No relationship is perfect and last year was really difficult as our first year apart, we struggled with whether or not we could make it work, but in the end we have come out stronger and closer together.  We talk every day, though it's harder now with him in China.  Also, when we started being long distance the first thing we did was each get a smart phone.  Having whatsapp to chat with each other is the best, especially now that he has the app on his Chinese phone too.  We play multi-player games back and forth like: Angry Words, Draw Something, Bike Race (which I'm so painfully terrible at); it's a fun way to not feel so far apart.  Another thing we did while he was in Spain, and had more reliable internet, was to watch movies together.  Usually he would send one to me via our shared drop box account and we would sit on skype and watch the movie together.



The two most important thing we do to make it work though are: to be busy (and happy) with our own lives and to visit as often and for as long as we can.  The first part was hard for me especially.  I would be lying if I say I wasn't sad a lot at first.  I got through it by keeping myself busy and happy with my life as an individual; I started to get a gym routine, threw myself into my studies, made new friends, worked really hard.  Soon enough I wasn't sad all the time, dare I say...I was even happy.  Don't get me wrong, it's still hard missing him but keeping busy helped me appreciate living in the moment and enjoying the times when we couldn't be together.  As for visiting, we usually try to make it at least twice a year, taking turns, and the past two summers I've spent a couple months living in Spain with him and his family.  Every long distance relationship needs time together; seeing my boyfriend for even a week is the strongest reminder of why we do this to ourselves.  Because we love each other and want to make this work.

[Memoirs of a Young Adventuress had a great guest post on Things No One Tells You about Falling in Love Abroad.  And this site, Loving From a Distance also helped with some ideas on how to make the distance less painful.]

Understanding One Another

Another question I get a lot is what language we speak together.  It's mostly English because it's what we started talking in.  We met when he came to the United States to improve his English so it's the most natural thing for us to speak in, and his English is excellent (though he may stubbornly think otherwise).  Over the past year or so I've become more comfortable with my Spanish and have been trying to improve my skills so now we've been talking in Spanish more.  It's hard to get him to speak in Spanish sometimes though because he's so used to talking in English with me, often he'll just naturally go back to English!  I'm hoping that if I get to go to Spain this year with the teaching programs I'll be able to improve my Spanish enough that we can talk back and forth in both languages.  That's my goal, a fluent bilingual relationship!

Our Plans For The Future

Honestly our plans for the future are essentially non-existent, it's hard to plan in advance when neither of you have no idea what country or continent you'll be on.  We're hoping that he'll be able to stay in Spain for at least a semester if I get into one of the teaching programs but he's looking for jobs all over the world.  I could be moving to Spain while he moves to Canada or Australia!  While we don't have any concrete plans yet, we certainly hope that our futures are with each other.  It's not an easy road by any means, but it's one we're both willing to take it.


For more advice on keeping a long-distance relationship intact read my other post: Bridging the Gap in a Long Distance Relationship.

You can read more about my experience in a interview I did as part of the So You're Dating a Spaniard series in one of my favorite blogs: Y Mucho Más.

Have you ever had a long distance relationship?  Did you fall in love abroad?